So, from an outsiders perspective…

I have just been told that my husband and I appear to be nothing more than “buddies”.

After not seeing each other for a month and a half:

He did not hold my hand
He walked in front of me instead of next to me
He hardly kissed me

Please tell me that’s not normal behavior. We just spent a week together and it was more tense than I could have imagined.

He walks everywhere like he’s on a mission and then gets irritated with me for walking too slow.

His road rage is out of control.

 It was made pretty obvious that he has fallen out of love with me as well. So why I am I so frightened to initiate a divorce? Our marriage is a dead end. We are both walking towards a brick wall. We aren’t going anywhere together. We aren’t growing together. We aren’t in love. We aren’t even in like. 

I’m so afraid of what is going to happen. 

I’m petrified of what his family with think. 

I’m terrified of the “I told you so’s” that are surely headed in my direction.

What’s sad is that I already knew we were destined to end before we got married. I don’t know why I did it. I could ‘picture’ myself with him in the future. At the time, that seemed to be enough. 

When people ask me, why I love him, I can’t answer the question. I should be able to say things like, “Because when he enters the room, my entire world gets brighter”, “Every time I think of him, everything feels right”, “He makes me laugh, smile, breath, happy” ANYTHING. But all I feel towards him is…nothing. No emotion at all. I don’t love him. And as of this last week I know he is exactly the same. Why are we doing this to each other?

 Excuse my expressed internal dialogue…I needed to let that out.